GASLIGHTING
What is it?
Where did it come from?
What does it mean for you?
Everyone reading this blog has been Gaslit. Even so, we are all also - every one of us - guilty of Gaslighting others, mainly our loved ones (e.g., family and friends).
Why loved ones?
People usually want attention/love/help from loved ones. Loved ones are vulnerable to gaslighting.
What is gaslighting?
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “gaslighting” as: 1. …: [the] psychological manipulation of a person [victim] usually over an extended period that causes the victim to question the validity of [one’s] own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator…2…the act or practice of grossly misleading someone especially for one's advantage.
In a recent issue of the “New Yorker” magazine, Annals of Psychology, April 8, 2024, Leslie Jamison (author of 5 previous books on gaslighting) wrote: “CRAZY-MAKING: Is gaslighting on the rise, or are you just imagining it? https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2024/04/08/so-you-think-youve-been-gaslit
Jamison traces the term’s history through its current manifestations and impact on others. I have abstracted some ideas/thoughts from this article.
p. 13, Jamison writes:
a. The first recorded use of “gaslight” as a verb is from 1961, …its first mention in clinical literature came in the British medical journal The Lancet,…1969…titled “The Gas-Light Phenomenon.” Written by two British doctors, … examines three…cases in which [gaslighting] occurred…
b. The…psychology of gaslighting emerged as an object of study [by] authors of a 1981 article in The Psychoanalytic Quarterly…as…a phenomenon known as “projective identification,” in which a person projects onto someone else some part of himself that he finds intolerable. Gaslighting involves a “special kind of ‘transfer,’” …in which the [perpetrator]…tries to make the victim feel he or she is going crazy, and the victim more or less complies.”
I checked Jamison’s citations and discovered additional information in my source check.
The term “gaslighting” appears in a British play-turned-film from the 1930s. The play, “Gas Light,” is about a ne’er do well husband [Gregory] who emotionally manipulates his recent wife [Paula] into believing she is crazy. This is when Gregory starts changing the intensity of the attic gas lamps in their home to distract Paula. At the same time, he searches for jewels stored in the attic by Paula. Gregory does other…things like knocking on the walls and moving/removing household items. This is to baffle Paula further. Paula questions these events, and Gregory denies them, hoping to steal the valuables he ostensibly married her for.
As the play proceeds, Gregory’s denials become so persistent that he convinces Paula she is crazy. And she believes him! (this was, after all, the 1930’s). The story ends with Paula being committed by Gregory to a mental institution.
Jamison (New Yorker) makes it clear that “gaslighting” is a strategic form of manipulation by an evil-doer who desires harm to an unsuspecting victim.
*But, the fact is that many people, including ourselves, gaslight on a day-to-day basis. It’s part of a regular life routine. We do it without realizing it. Examples: trivializing (“you are so sensitive”), countering (“you aren’t remembering correctly”), blame-shifting (“that was your fault”), or dismissing (“you are overreacting”).
What makes gaslighting so insidious (and powerful)? It is the phrase: PERCEIVED TRUTH! My point here is that there is truth and accuracy in some of these phrases. Sometimes, for example, it really wasn’t your fault. Sometimes, your partner might be overreacting or not remembering something correctly. But, in gaslighting, perpetrators tend to say these things not to be helpful to another but to “hurt” another person. This is done by misdirecting or misleading others to think something is wrong with them. So, in gaslighting, these phrases are spoken when the perpetrator KNOWS they are not true but wants to convince the “victim” that something is wrong with the victim or that the victim’s character is flawed. The goal is to denigrate or get rid of or destroy, and damage the victim, NOT help or improve the victim’s life.
As a couple’s therapist of 20+ years and having been married myself to the same person for 45+ years, I believe I know what it is to gaslight your partner. It happens all the time. It occurs in the best of relationships. It happens in dysfunctional relationships. Like the 1930s story of Gregory above, it can cause substantial damage to another person (especially in a relationship), or it can simply be ignored by a savvy partner, which then backfires on the perpetrator, diminishing the perpetrator’s credibility in the relationship.
Here are some examples:
BIG ISSUE: A husband (who dated his one-year-old younger spouse since high school). When this couple was in high school, the soon-to-be husband would disparage her, telling her (when she made a mistake) that she wasn’t good at anything she tried to do. She said, “He convinced me that I had a learning disability, that I was plain-looking, that I had poor social skills. Eventually, I divorced him: She says: “It was only after I got a full-time job when we were financially strapped, and I started working for a reasonable employer who was delighted that I had such strong skills on the job, that it dawned on me that I probably had none of those things I had been told I had by my ex-. I think my ex- wanted me to believe the things he told me were true (even when he didn’t believe they were true) so that I would eventually marry him and stay with him. Which I did. Perhaps he was jealous of me somehow and put me down to feel better about himself.”
SMALL ISSUE: Joe dislikes misplacing the salt and pepper shaker and gets angry when this happens, regularly blurting out, “Helen, where the Hell did you put the salt and pepper shaker!” Helen responds, “Joe, I never had the salt and paper shaker; you’re always putting it in the wrong cupboard; why don’t you look there before blaming me!” Joe replies, “Hey, calm down, My God, you’re way too sensitive about nothing.” She replies, “Joe, I resent you saying I overreacted because you made an ass-hole comment. I simply reacted normally to your orneriness. Geesh, you hurt people all day long without even thinking about it; why don’t you stop trying to help me out, OK!” Joe gets up from the table and leaves, angry, without eating the meal. Helen watches him leave. Who is gaslighting who here?
I could ask every reader of this entry to give a personal example of when you gaslit another; if you think it through, you can identify one. Try it:
Write down an example of an instance when you engaged in gaslighting:
I deviate from gaslighting to discuss the core psychological construct underlying this phenomenon. GASLIGHTING IS NOT NEW.
People like us in a first-world society are prone to using gaslighting, but this phenomenon is as old as society is long.
I doubt you would ever hear the term gaslighting used among any tribe in sub-Saharan Africa. Why? because there is a more fundamental term for this behavior, MANIPULATION.
What is gaslighting?
One word: MANIPULATION.
Manipulation for personal gain.
Perhaps skip “gaslighting” and go straight to the real issue: manipulation.
What is manipulation? The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy describes manipulation as a broad-spectrum concept. I’ll use an example:
Tonya plans to do Y, but Irving wants her to do X instead. Irving has tried unsuccessfully to provide Tonya with reasons for doing X rather than Y. If Irving is unwilling to resort to coercion or force, he might deploy any of the following tactics to influence Tonya’s choice. For example, Irving might …
Charm Tonya into wanting to please Irving by doing X.
Exaggerate the advantages of doing X and the disadvantages of doing Y, and/or understate the disadvantages of doing X and the advantages of doing Y.
Make Tonya feel guilty for preferring to do Y.
Induce Tonya into an emotional state that makes doing X seem more appropriate than it is.
Point out that doing Y will make Tonya seem less worthy and appealing to her friends.
Make Tonya feel bad about herself, portray Y as a choice that will confirm or exacerbate this feeling, and/or portray X as a choice that will disconfirm or combat it.
Do a small favor for Tonya before asking her to do X so she feels obligated to comply.
Make Tonya doubt her judgment so that she will rely on Irving’s advice to do X.
Make it clear to Tonya that if she does Y rather than X, Irving will withdraw his friendship, sulk, or become irritable and generally unpleasant.
Focus Tonya’s attention on an aspect of doing Y that she fears and ramp up that fear to get Tonya to change her mind.
Which of these would be “Gaslighting”? My guess is #8. If so, #8 is just one form of manipulation. Is it better or worse than all the others? You tell me. My POV: They all have problems for the following reasons (very short list):
Irving wants Tonya to do something for Irving.
Irving wants Tonya to give Irving something.
Irving feels like Tonya needs to meet Irving’s needs.
Irving feels like Tonya must repay Irving for something.
Irving is hurt or sad and wants Tonya to make Irving feel better.
Irving wants or desires something and perceives Tonya (or possession of Tonya) as the source of getting that perceived want or need met.
To be sure, we have names for all these different forms of manipulation, just like gaslighting. I list a few below:
“guilt trip” (tactic 3)
“peer pressure” (tactic 5)
“nagging” (tactic 6)
“emotional blackmail” (tactic 9)
Why do people do this? Manipulate others.
All people, myself included, have needs. Needs are present at birth and will follow us until we die. When young, we depend on a primary caregiver to meet our needs. Infants, for example, would not survive if a caregiver didn’t meet their needs. As we age, until very old, we learn to meet our needs ourselves. But, from our POV, it’s easier, better, and ideal if someone else can (and will) meet our needs. This is a “need-meeting expectation set.” This expectation-set POV in the previous sentence might go from “can” to “should.”
Someone else “should” meet my needs.
Why?
It’s easier if someone else, our “parent,” “spouse,” or “employer,” meets our needs…
I’m not saying we should develop an attitude that no one should or will meet our needs because meeting the needs of others is how a person matures and grows. Here, I’m describing a complex dynamic of giving and taking in relationships. This dynamic, when it works well, is called reciprocal Altruism.
But human beings want “control.” They want it badly. They want things done their way, and sometimes, one’s needs are not what one needs but what one WANTS (or desires). This dynamic, especially in close relationships, is complex and nuanced. Delving into this important area is beyond the scope of this entry (perhaps another entry).
Manipulation is a lopsided approach to meeting one’s needs. Its focus is narrowly on one’s self or perceived needs, and it involves the ability to control or influence others to meet one’s self-perceived needs (or wants). This is what makes manipulation so troubling in relationships.
What makes manipulation work so well?
This question has been studied and boils down to three areas:
Manipulation as Unreasonable (bypasses reason )
Manipulation as Trickery
Manipulation as Pressure
Manipulation as Unreasonable
Persuasion is NOT manipulation. If a person is genuinely persuaded to do something, then the person must engage a sense of reason or understanding and ultimately choose (or not choose) to help or meet a need. Manipulation differs from persuasion because the influence of behavior is controlled by another. A goal of manipulation is to nullify the “giver’s” rational capacity.
In the Gaslighting Play (1930), Gregory decides to behave (manipulate Paula) to make Paula believe she is “crazy”. If you are “crazy,” you no longer approach the world rationally. This opens the door for Gregory to steal Paula’s jewels and get what he wants from Paula without too much trouble. In this “crazy” state, Paula might simply show Gregory where the jewels are and happily hand them over.
Manipulation as Trickery
This idea ties manipulation to deception, which, of course, is what manipulation is. The connection between manipulation and deception is standard in non-philosophical and philosophical discussions. Robert Goodin, in his book Manipulatory Politics book, suggests a test for manipulative trickery:
Is it deceptive?
Is it contrary to the will of the person subjected to it?
This is where advertising and other social devices manipulate consumers or receivers of services. Think False Advertising.
In Shakespeare’s Play Othello, the character Iago is the manipulator.
Why?
Through insinuation, innuendo, and cleverly arranging circumstances (like a strategically placed handkerchief), Iago tricks Othello into suspecting—and then believing—that his new bride, Desdemona, has been unfaithful. Iago (who is also in love with Desdemona) plays on Othello’s insecurities that lead to irrational jealousy and rage, overshadowing Othello’s love for Desdemona. Manipulation (as trickery) clouds Othello’s judgment about how to react.
Manipulation as Pressure
Emotional blackmail and peer pressure are examples of pressure manipulation. This is when direct psychological force imposes costs on the receiver for failing to do what the manipulator wants.
Manipulation as pressure can be subtle.
Michael Kligman describes how subtle pressure manipulation works (in almost all cases).
The attempt to influence B’s behavior takes on a manipulative character when … A’s primary intent is not to convince B, in a good faith manner, that acting as desired by A would be in keeping with B’s rational assessments of outcome; [but rather] to procure or engineer the needed assent by bringing pressure to bear, in a deliberate and calculated way, on what A presumes to be the manipulable features of B’s motivational system.
How does this play out in real life? Is this is “gaslighting?”
Manipulation can be sneaky:
Mary’s Story
Mary’s mother, 82 y/o, wants Mary to visit her because the Mother is lonely and wants company. Mother calls Mary and indicates that Mother has been working on her Will. Mother’s tacit strategy is to pressure Mary to send the message that unless Mary comes to visit her, Mother might just cut Mary out of the Will in favor of Mary’s other siblings.
There are so many ways loved ones pressure each other that it is beyond this entry’s scope to enumerate them.
I’ve described how manipulation works and that gaslighting is just one of many forms of interpersonal manipulation. Its “sexy” title has gotten it press in recent years, and this is probably a good thing because it increases our awareness of manipulation. Gaslighting is a modern-day labeling of manipulation where we are receivers and perhaps more significantly, where we are also the perpetrators.
How to Deal with Manipulation (abstracted from Psych Central)
Know the signs. People who manipulate exhibit common behaviors. Example: someone who is overly friendly, makes empty promises, or tries to make you feel guilty. Be aware of a person so disposed.
Understand your emotions. Evoking excessive emotions is at the core of most manipulation schemes. People who use manipulation often play on the victim’s emotions. When was the last time you were persuaded to act in a way contrary to your best judgment only because you were emotionally overinvolved?
Stay mentally alert. Perspective-taking is an excellent strategy for staying in control of yourself and maintaining good judgment when dealing with manipulative people. Think about the last time you met with a car salesman.
Diminish personalizing. In the presence of a manipulative person, try to tell yourself that this person’s behavior has little to do with you. “Manipulation can sometimes impact you if you cannot meet your needs healthily.
Listen carefully to the Manipulator. I suggested avoiding confrontational interactions with a person bent on manipulating you. This only inflames the situation, making perspective-taking more difficult. Instead, try listening to the person with empathy to identify their needs or wants. If you can, reframe those needs so that the person can meet those needs without manipulating you.
Respect your boundaries. Boundaries are critical. It is essential to know your boundaries. This underscores why knowing and heeding your moral compass is important under all conditions. Setting healthy limits and boundaries is always in your best interest. Even if it provokes a strong adverse reaction from the manipulating party. One way to interact with your boundaries in place is to respond respectfully but assertively to the manipulator. Let the manipulator know how far you will go and where the line is that you will not cross. Don’t give in to the manipulation. Sometimes, this means stopping the interaction and returning to it when you’ve had time to think about what the manipulator is presenting to you (perspective-taking).
Involve someone you trust. If you are uncertain if you are being manipulated, seek advice from a close friend or family member (or a knowledgeable but uninvolved other) and share what you’re experiencing with that confidant. Decide how you will act after weighing the information from this source.
These are general guidelines for dealing with a manipulative other. In my next entry on this topic, I will explore how you can identify when YOU are the manipulator. This can occur, at times, when you are not aware of it.
THOUGHT QUESTIONS:
What causes YOU to act manipulatively?
Is manipulation sometimes helpful and good?
What is the difference between manipulation and persuasion?