Breaking Up is Hard to Do
The emotional and physical cost of losing a relationship
We enter this world alone. We leave like we entered it, alone. I say this in the technical sense of the word because “alone” or “being alone” is frequently reported in psychotherapy as a central worry or concern. When someone says, “Dr., I feel alone” What does the person mean?
Why is “being alone” such a problematic state? What does being alone connotate? Most important, What causes people to go from a state of feeling “not alone” to a state of “being alone”?
Let’s start with defining the word: ALONE: Separated from others.
Indeed, even though an embryo is inextricably connected to the mother, it is still in some sense, alone. The connection to the mother’s body is apparent, but the means of that connection is primarily physiological, not psychological or emotional.
In an entirely different sense, others are frequently present in dying. Still, a feeling of aloneness has been described as prominent in dying. When you are in the latter stages of dying my guess is you may feel a profound sense of isolation. In dying, the person is departing (or separating) from one’s fundamental interpersonal world. In the case of dying, there is no other way to die, but alone.
There are numerous synonyms for the state of aloneness: isolated, solo, companionless, forsaken, on one’s own, solitary.
The emotional state of alone is: “to be lonely” or “to feel lonely.”
We know what it is like to feel lonely although the precise phenomenology of the state of loneliness differs between persons. For some, being lonely is feeling forsaken. For others being lonely is feeling bored or an absence of someone else to do things with.
The topic of “aloneness” is probably worth exploring elsewhere. Here, it will suffice that being alone is an uncomfortable state and a state of mind and emotion that people, in general, try to avoid in daily life. It is difficult to be alone for long durations. When I talk about aloneness in this sense, I’m not referring to the occasional need for privacy or when one needs time for reflection. These are different states of mind where being separated from others is an integral part of achieving another objective.
Certainly, we crave, we desire, we seek after, we want, and we are drawn to others. The pull towards others is multi-faceted. Some might call the sense of being pulled towards another person, “love,” others might call it “adoration” others might feel that that this being drawn or pulled towards another is absolutely essential to wellbeing and the experience of being alive. Most would agree that this feeling of being pulled toward another (attraction) is common and mutual in our species, but again, the precise phenomenology of being drawn towards another person or being attracted to another person and feeling attached to another is different for different persons.
It seems that when people feel drawn towards one another, then they actually move (we’ll say mutually in this instance) towards each other, a bond forms.
What is a love bond?
The “bond” (not the pulling or drawing feeling) has also been described as love. A more precise, but socially restricted word that is frequently used in the psychopathology literature is “attachment.” Which raises the question of what “love” (or attachment) is. Is it a force that compels us towards one another, or is it an expectation or a mutual sense that two people are bonded, so-to-speak, with a kind of emotional glue, and this glue is what love is?
Who knows what love really is, but at least we can further refine our definition of Love, for this entry, as the bond that holds people together. I will focus on the experience of love, whatever that feeling might be, and it’s interpersonal bonding capacity because, once bonded, there is, in my experienced view, a cost when that bond is broken. It can be broken or permanently disrupted through death, divorce, or simply the breaking up of a committed (or even not-so-committed) relationship.
Love as Bond
Love is defined more comprehensively as: “an intense feeling of deep affection for another that forms an emotional bond.” This is a fairly broad view of the term, love. When you start looking for a more precise definitions in this domain difficulties start to emerge because other emotions and mental states get involved such as words like “intense,” “great interest,” “deep pleasure,” “attraction,” “fondness for,” “affection toward,” “attraction to,” “passion” and so on.
In the end, love is probably best elaborated in literature or from the writings of the poets and there are many examples of what a person who is “in love” or experiences at an emotional level the feeling of love as it is described through literature and poetry. I won’t go in this direction, but it could be a fruitful one to explore (think of Romeo and Juliette).
I think everyone would agree that once a love-bond is formed, it is difficult to break it. In fact, in some cases, it cannot be broken. A person, in love, can be treated horribly by the partner, but still feel love for a partner (or former partner). I hear this in therapy all the time.
“Dr. my partner mistreats me in this way and that. I know I should leave her or him, but I can’t. Why? Because I love this person and I can’t imagine living without this person.”
As a psychotherapist, I stand in awe of this statement. Not just because I’m powerless to do anything about it, but because it is a special thing to hear, certainly not a good thing for the sake of the lover who is being mistreated because it means that one way or another, the lover is doomed to a life of misery until this process or state is resolved. It is special because of its abject power and its capacity to immobilize any puny coping mechanisms that a person might muster to work through it or get out of it. The power the feeling of love has to actualizes or destroy a human soul is nearly beyond comprehension. That’s why people around a person in love feel so powerless in the presence of it as it manifests in another individual that one cares about (a child, a friend, a family member in the throws of requited love).
Which brings me, in a long-winded way, to the point of this blog entry and that is how a person copes with a love-relationship break-up. This is actually a hard thing for me to write about because I see this phenomenon so often in psychotherapy that I’ve come to expect that I will encounter it on nearly a monthly basis. I’ve seen people literally destroy themselves over love, and most of the time all I can do is watch the process unfold and then run its course. This can take weeks, months, or years. It might never resolve. Unfortunately, given my profession, I rarely see the blissful features of love because people don’t come to me when they are happy and content with life and with their partner. They come to me because they are desperate for relief and they have discovered that they aren’t going to find it without help.
Breaking the Bond of Love
I believe that as human beings we are born with the capacity for interpersonal attachment. It is present in infancy, and it is most noteworthy when that attachment is broken or severed for whatever reason. Babies cry, children withdraw, adults cry out in pain when this attachment is broken. Expectations are built on love attachments. Some of these attachments run very deep.
I was watching people in Midway, UT at an ice castle amusement. It was built by spraying water into tall fountains, then freezing it to ice. The ice strips are carved then harvested and placed strategically to create frosty features such as tunnels, slides, fountains, thrones, and arches. I was standing near the bottom of a long icicle slide, large enough for two parallel riders. I watched pairs reach the bottom, as pair after pair reached the bottom, it almost like clockwork, before one could feel joy, they had to look at their partner first to see joy in the other, it was only then that both smiled. Each individual was not able to feel full fun unless they could read fun in the other’s face.
This is an example of the power of attachment. Joy, in the attached person, is mediated through the other. It’s almost like a sensual dependency is formed. What are the implications when this is broken?
Florence Williams, in a recent Atlantic article wrote about the physical toll of a love-bond break-up and I will share a few excerpts from her article, This Is Your Brain on Heartbreak, February 1, 2022.
…For a paper published in the Journal of Neurophysiology in 2010, Fisher and her colleagues put 15 people who hadn’t gotten over their breakups in a brain scanner. Researchers took images of each subject’s brain as the person viewed a photo of their rejecter and as they viewed a photo of a neutral, familiar person….
…brain regions that are associated with cravings and emotional regulation lit up, including the ventral tegmental area (VTA) bilaterally, ventral striatum, and cingulate gyrus. Many of the activated regions are necessary for feeling romantic love—and, Fisher added, for fostering cocaine addiction…
…there are two basic neurological stages of getting dumped: protest and resignation. During the protest stage, many people try to win their beloved back. This behavior, she said, seems to be based on a cocktail of extra dopamine and norepinephrine flooding your brain. You’re searching for what you’re missing, and you’re scared…
…the resignation stage, …people largely give up… This is when the dopamine drops off, and so does serotonin, a neurotransmitter often linked to feelings of well-being…
Williams ultimately wrote a book about this, Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey. (W. W. Norton, NY). My conjecture is she had an experience of her own with heartbreak and this was how she coped with it. To write an article about it.
I like this anonymous letter to the Atlantic I found some time ago. It underscores just how powerful the love-bond is and the extent that breakage of that bond can impact a person’s world even years after a breakup:
Dear Therapist,
“I’m a 40-year-old single woman. Never married, no children, and I’ve been struggling for years to get over my ex. He was my first love and we met when I was in my early 20s. It was a very immature relationship that culminated in me breaking up with him finally (for about the third or fourth time), mostly because of a growing fear that I knew I would want kids and was worried that I was wasting my time with someone who wasn’t willing to work on a future with me.
This was more than 10 years ago, and although my ex and I have occasionally stayed in touch, been intimate, and reconnected after a few years of separation, we have not been able to have a healthy relationship. I’ve tried to be honest about my wanting a different type of relationship with him, but he doesn’t seem to want that. I have tried moving on by ignoring my feelings for him, ignoring him when he has reached out to me, and repeatedly reminding myself that ours is not the kind of relationship that I want. But it all feels like a lie.
The truth is, here I am, thinking about the last person I had the strongest romantic relationship and potential with. And I feel like a fool. I tried blocking him on my phone, but I still saw his calls. I have avoided his social media since it just triggers sadness instead of happiness and joy. I need some practical help to get him out of my mind”
Think for a moment, What kind of advice would you give this woman? How effective do you think your advice would be? What is the likelihood in her life that she will ever be free from this feeling of loss even though she could still find ways to interact with the former love partner?
Dealing with Lost Love
How does one deal with or cope with or endure or weather lost love. This is the million dollar question. If there was an easy answer to this question, someone would have found it. Sadly, there is no easy answer or ready remedy to the love-bond breakup.
Here are general recommendations people give out:
Get over it
Find a new lover or a new person
Learn to live with your sadness
Express your sadness and concerns to someone who cares and will listen without bias
Find a replacement activity
You will be OK with time
I could fill a library with books that describe self-help strategies, indeed, in my practice, I have suggested a volume or two. Like all folk wisdom, there is truth in all these sayings and platitudes, but they don’t address the central issue, and that is Why do I feel so awful when I’m faced with living alone without my love partner?
I’m not sure I have a general answer to this question for any one person because the experience of a break-up is so individual to the person experiencing it. And, indeed, the intensity of loss and its sustaining properties varies from person to person. But, I’ve watched this cycle repeat, and I do have some general ideas that I apply when a person finds themselves caught in such a dilemma. The first step is assessing the magnitude of the bond and the nature of the breakup.
Evaluating the Emotional Impact of Breakup
There are innumerable surveys, questionnaires, and scales that evaluate a breakup. In some respects, breaking up initiates a kind of a grief and mourning response that is not too dissimilar to how one feels if a loved-one dies. Grief scales are the primary item-bank from which breakup instruments items are drawn. I present one example below. You can complete this instrument yourself. See how you are currently feeling if you are in the midst of an interpersonal breakup.
BREAKUP DISTRESS SCALE
Below is a scale to assess how you are feeling following a breakup. Please read each item and respond on the 1 to 4 point scale. 1 = not at all; 2 = a little; 3 = some; 4 = very much so by circling the one best answer for each item:
I think about this person so much that it’s hard for me to do things I normally do.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
Memories of the person upset me.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I feel I cannot accept the breakup I’ve experienced.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I feel drawn to places and things associated with the person.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I can’t help feeling angry about the breakup.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I feel disbelief over what happened.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I feel stunned or dazed over what happened.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
Ever since the breakup it is hard for me to trust people.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
Ever since the breakup I feel like I have lost the ability to care about other people or I feel distant from people I care about.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I have been experiencing pain since the breakup.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I go out of my way to avoid reminders of the person.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I feel that life is empty without the person.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I fell bitter over this breakup.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I feel envious of others who haver not experienced a breakup like this.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I feel lonely a great deal of the time since the breakup.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
I feel like crying when I think about the person.
1=not at all; 2=a little; 3=some; 4 =very much so
Total = Sum of numbers circled
Higher scores, scores above 40 suggest that the person is likely having ongoing intrusive thoughts that are impacting day to day activity.
Scores above 50 suggest that the person is experiencing symptoms of depression, having difficulty sleeping at night, and may feel traumatized by the breakup.
Treating Interpersonal Breakup
Over the years, I’ve learned strategies that people use to deal with the emotional burden of a love-bond break-up. Self-Help psychology texts are plentiful and can be a good resource for coping strategies. Below, is a “short-list” of lay psychology ideas. I present them here, not as solutions, per se., but as things to try when you are down. (This “short-list” was abstracted from an article by Dr. Kim Maertz Mental Health Centre University of Alberta)
Relationship Breakup Wisdom
Don’t Fight Feelings. If you ignore or suppress feelings, you will likely only prolong the normal grieving process, and sometimes get totally stuck in it. Healthy coping means identifying bad feelings and experiencing them. Thoughts that will likely intensify negative feelings:
Not being the one who decided to break up.
Not seeing the break-up coming.
This is your first real relationship.
Your ex becomes your only close friend.
Continuing to encounter into your ex.
The relationship having made you feel whole or complete.
Your ex starts dating.
Thinking about your ex sexual with a new partner.
Believing that your ex is the only one for you.
Discuss Feelings. Talking about your feelings. As we talk to supportive friends and family members, we come to new understandings that can relieve pain. As we talk to others, we discover that our feelings are normal and that others have survived these challenges. Try not to isolate yourself from others.
Write Out Thoughts. It can be helpful to journal your thoughts and feelings. People are not always available. The act of writing your feelings can be freeing and can give you a different perspective about them.
Normalize. Break-ups are a normal part of dating. This is the very nature of dating. Until we find our best match, we are moving in and out of relationships, so expect break-ups. This way, you won’t feel so devastated when it does happen. Relationships usually end for good reasons and they should end if we want to find our most suitable partner. Of course, no match will be perfect and we have to decide how long to keep looking and what we can live with.
Don’t Personalize. It is natural after a break-up to blame yourself. Much of the pain of a break-up comes from seeing the loss as your fault and regretting the choices you made while in the relationship. This process of self-blame can go on endlessly if you let it. It is far more helpful to see the ending as a result of conflicting needs and incompatibilities that are no one’s fault. Each person in a relationship is trying to get their own needs met and some couples are able to help fulfill each other’s needs and others are not. One of the biggest issues is being able to communicate and negotiate those needs. It’s not easy to learn, so don’t blame yourself and try not to blame your ex.
Prioritize Self-Care. Despite the fact that you may be feeling upset and depressed due to the break-up, take care of yourself. You may not feel like eating but do it and make some healthy choices in what you eat. Give yourself ample time to sleep, particularly since this may be difficult for you. The short-term use of some herbal alternatives or sleep medications may be necessary to ensure you get the sleep you need. Sleep deprivation will only compound your suffering. An exercise routine can also make you feel better both physically and psychologically.
Get Into A Routine. Since going through a break-up can create a sense of chaos, continuing on with your routines will help. Although taking some expectations off yourself temporarily can help, returning to routines shortly after the initial blow can help calm you down and give you a returning sense of control. This might include routines around wake-up and bedtimes, meals, school or work related activities, exercise, and time with others to mention a few.
Pamper yourself. You need to do something that will actively make yourself feel better. Indulgence can take many forms, depending upon what you really enjoy, but could include: going to a special restaurant, going to a movie with a friend, having a hot bath, trying a massage, going on a short trip, buying something new, taking the weekend off, taking a yoga class or reading your favorite book. 9. Give Yourself Some Slack Expect that you are not going to be functioning at full capacity for a time due to the distress you are experiencing. Therefore, it is not unreasonable to lighten your load for awhile.
Don’t Lose Faith In People. Since you may be feeling very hurt after a break-up, it is easy to assume that all men (or women) are bad or untrustworthy, but this just isn’t true. By holding on to this belief, you will be denying yourself all kinds of opportunities for a great relationship Page 4 in the future. We can’t over-generalize from our limited relationship history and assume that it will never work out. Keep shopping! The more people you meet, the greater the chance you will find your best match.
Let Go Of Hope You Will Get Back Together. Unless there is some very strong evidence that you will reunite with your ex, try to let go of this possibility. Bringing closure to the relationship is impossible if you continue to hold onto the hope that the relationship will be resurrected. This means don’t wait by the phone for a call, or try to e-mail or text them to try to have a little more connection, or beg to get back together
Don’t Rely On Ex For Support. Or Try To Maintain A Friendship It’s not helpful to depend on your ex after a break-up, especially to help you overcome the pain of the break-up. It makes it a lot harder to get over someone if you’re continuing to see them or trying to maintain a friendship. After a significant period (i.e. months) of no contact, a friendship might be possible, but wait until you’re feeling very emotionally strong again.
Avoid Unhealthy Coping. There are several ways of coping with a break-up that are considered quite unhelpful and will likely only compound your problems. These include such choices as drinking excessively, doing drugs, overeating, self-harm, gambling excessively, or becoming a workaholic. You may be tempted to do whatever you can to avoid feelings of loneliness and pain, but it is essential to find healthier ways to cope.
List Your Ex’s Annoying Qualities. If you have been feeling bad because you keep thinking about how much you miss your ex or how well suited you were to them, make a list of all of their less poor life qualities. Particularly if you didn’t initiate the break-up, it’s easy to focus on everything about your ex that you will miss, which can only magnify your suffering. If you spend some time reflecting, you may come to see incompatibilities in the relationship that make it easier to let go and come to see that there is likely a better match out there for you.
Avoid Revenge. Retaliating against someone who you feel may have hurt you significantly is very tempting, but making this choice may have unforeseen consequences. Depending on how angry you are, these consequences could lead to criminal charges if you did something like keying their car, stalking them, or damaging other property. As much as this might feel like a good idea in your height of passion, it only makes you feel more out of control. Closure is promoted when contact of any kind is minimized.
What Can You Learn. We can learn from all the relationships even ones that are painful. It’s helpful after a relationship ends to spend some time thinking about and writing down what you have learned so that you can have better relationships in the future. However, don’t use this as an opportunity to beat yourself up or blame yourself for the relationship not lasting. Learning promotes growth, while self-blame (i.e. feeling you’re a failure) only extends your suffering.
Benefits Of Being Single. Although being single again may be an unwelcome event, if you were not the one who chose to break-up, it is worth reminding yourself there are some definite benefits to being single. Here are a few ideas:
You are now much more able to put your own needs first.
You may soon start dating again, even though this may feel a little scary.
You can spend more time with friends and family, who may have been feeling neglected.
You can do some traveling.
You can choose jobs outside of the immediate area, because your partner isn’t affecting your choices.
You can eat what you want, when you want to.
You can go to bed and get up on your own schedule.
You can meet lots of new people, since you now have more time to do so.
You may now be free of criticism.
You will have more individual freedom. You have the whole bed to yourself.
You can be as messy as you want.
Closure Ritual. At some point in the process of letting go and grieving the loss, it can be very helpful to have a closure ritual. This symbolic gesture can be very meaningful if it is well thought out and considers the right timing. This could involve such things as: writing a letter to yourself or to your ex with your final words regarding the relationship, removing all of the photos you have of your ex, or burning some reminders of your ex in a ceremonial fashion.
Thrive On Your Own. It is important after a break-up to remind yourself that you were able to survive on your own before you entered the relationship and you will be able to survive on your own now that you’re no longer together. Relationships do not and should not make us whole, even though they are a part of our life and our happiness. Remember, the healthiest relationships are with two people who are also able to meet their own needs.
How Does the Psychotherapist Treat a Break-Up Emotion?
To be continued…